Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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