You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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