Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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