im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
