Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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