The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
