they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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