I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
