Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
my poor anus
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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