Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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