I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
