he puts the penis in happiness.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
