I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
