you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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