She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
