do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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