He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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