The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
