im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
