don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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