Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize