He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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