from now on my penis is your penis
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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