I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
