Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
