He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
