Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
