We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
