haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
