Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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