New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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