When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
