please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
