Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Less talking, more tequila
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
