Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
