Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was confusing and full of hummus
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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