Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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