I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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