go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
