walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize