do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
