i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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