The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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