Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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