after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
