Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
