The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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