Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
