i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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