I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize