So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
