I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
