Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
