I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
