Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
