She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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