Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
