Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
