Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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