You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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